More mental ramblings and babbling about submitting

Some of this is a repeat of things I have already said...but in excitement for what is to come tonight and trying to wrap my head around my what I need to do mentally to move forward I am putting it all down. In part, for therapy; in part, for recording what I hoping will be a turning point for us; in part, to perhaps another who struggles with the same issues. As with any blog, feel free to read what interests you and ignore my babbling, if it doesn't :)

I am 44 and have known pretty much since I was aware of my sexuality that I like to be dominated sexually. Even as young as 13, I would fantasize about being controlled. I would often spend hours squirreled away in a corner of B.Daltons reading the Story of O and any other BDSM books I could find, both fiction and non fiction.

My first real experimentation into the lifestyle was at 16 with my boyfriend. I do see in retrospect he was not a true dom, he was only trying to please me...in hopes that I would switch and dominate him . My first marriage was strictly vanilla. It amazes me that I never brought up any BDSM in the 2 years we were married, it just wasn't that kind of relationship.

When I met and started dating my husband (just celebrated our 19th wedding anniversary), it came up almost immediately. For both of us, 24/7 does not work...not just practically, but emotionally. In fact he gets over whelmed with too much pressure in 'everyday' life. So, I am actually the dominate one in household, financial, etc matters...but sexually we both are happier when he is in control.

For our relationship what I have struggled with is completely letting go and submitting to his needs, wants, desires as opposed to being a 'do-me sub,' meaning I want him to dominate me, but only in a certain way and on my time frame. Our cycle through our 19 years of marriage has been intense periods of BDSM, which are fantastic but usually followed by periods of vanilla sex (lots of it, as we both have very high libidos...but very vanilla). In the last few years we have been almost strictly vanilla, much to my husbands displeasure...but he has been in a hard place...since we were still having sex 4-5 times a week, he didn't want to complain or force the issue.

Looking back through my journals and blog entries I realize about 4-5 years ago, I finally started actually submitting more and while it's clear from my journal/blog entries, I loved that, I have just realized that it scares the hell out of me, too and that is why I probably started shutting down the lifestyle, rather than face that paradox of what I think I want (to be feel completely owned) and being afraid of it . I am not a pain slut. I enjoy the pain he gives me in as much as that makes me feel controlled and owned, what I have trouble with is the amount that is enough for me to get to that feeling (not very much) as opposed to the amount he needs/wants (more than I have been willing to accept in the past). The other obstacle for me is toys. He is way more into toys than I; pumps, spreaders, ropes, you name it, he loves it. Ironically, the verbal part: name calling, humiliation and assertions of 'ownership' and 'using me' is what can really push me to let go and help me accept the pain and toys...and that doesn't come naturally to him.

Thanks to in large part to a thread on fetlife and some other readings that resonated with me, I finally am actually ready to move forward and give him more control without trying to top from the bottom. After a few days of incredible hot submissive sex, I had a frank conversation with him. He lit up like a Christmas tree. I was able to talk to him about my fears and ask him to help me push through those fears and asked him to give me more verbal direction and humiliation while he was pushing and testing those limits, while promising to work on 'my need' for that.

I am so excited about tonight, it going to be hard to concentrate on anything else today. OK, OK...off to do some reading...I promise, no more posts for today.