Disappointed

Our mind is such a big tool, it stinks when it can get you so worked up, that real life is bound to disappoint. Been there done that before, so I do try and temper myself, but last night was just...frankly...almost vanilla and not even good vanilla, like haagen dazs, more like that cheap ice milk stuff.

Last night when G came home from work, the kids were at the park and I was in the tub. He came into the bathroom and rubbed my soapy tits, "Ah, is my little slut getting all nice and clean for me?" I nodded. "That's good, I have been thinking of you all day and have some new naughty things I want to try with you tonight." He said in a low voice as he pulled and tweaked my nipples. Mmmm, chills went down my spine. I was excited and a little frightened.

Through out the evening, when the kids were occupied in the family room, he would creep into the living room and whisper lovely, naughty things in my ear while he slapped my ass, or pinched a nipple or once even had me suck him hard (don't worry the house is large and we can hear the kids coming down the long tiled hallway, long before they see us).

After the kids were in bed, he came in and gave me my orders, "Go upstairs within 10 minutes, I want heavy eye makeup and bright red lips. Take off your shirt, but leave your panties, I will be up in about 20 minutes." I scampered upstairs, did my make up and waited and up the bed, enjoying the delicious anticipation of what was to come....

...from there it fizzles...really, it is not even worth recording.

What the night did include:
He did strap me to the wedge
A very lackluster spanking with a wooden paddle, no more than a minute.
Some nipple/breast play with a suction cup thingy he loves, again, only for a very short time.

What the night didn't include:
No cock sucking
No anal play
No hair pulling
No collar or leash

Where was the 'new naughty things I want to try with you tonight'?

I know, I know, I shouldn't be complaining. I did cum while he fucked me from behind...and he seemed to have a great time...but I can't help thinking, that's all you got? After I ask you to possess me even more and you tell me that you're excited and want that as well. I give you body to do with what you will and you spank me?

I do get, that he might be treading lightly out of his own fear of taking things too far, but come on...last night you whipped me with a crop, tortured my tits with nipple clamps and forcefully took my ass...and tonight you spanked me? Can you tell the spanking is bugging me?

After when he was saying how good it was for him, he did say, "I took it easy on you tonight, because we have a long weekend ahead."

No, I didn't say anything to him...because I don't want to mess with his 'dom-ness'. I think if I say anything critical it will only make it worse. So I am trying to be optimistic about tonight, but I am not holding my breath.

Submitting fully and asking for more

I don't know...does anyone really want a blow by blow? I am going to write it anyway...if for nothing else than to save it for us. I really think...no, I KNOW tonight was a turning point for us.

Per my instructions; I went upstairs and and took off my clothes, except my panties. I put a vibrator, that he had left out on the bed, against my cunt....and I wait...and I waited...and I waited...I could feel myself getting irritated . I kept telling myself, 'submit, submit...HIS pleasure'.

When I finally heard his footfalls on the top of the landing, I felt my entire body melt. He came in and warmed his hands on the small space heater. With such attention to detail as this, is it any wonder I love him so. He ran his warmed hands across my body and man handled my big tits. Spanked my ass and squeezed my nipples.

He went into the bathroom and motioned me to follow. He pulled a tight tank over my head, he had modified the tank. He had cut out holes in the tank for my boobs to hang out and then cut small slits around the boob holes and threaded shoe laces through the slits. He had me lean over a chair, so my big tits hung down and then he pulled the laces tight, binding my tits tight. This is normally something I would bristle at. I would comply, but it would be immediately obvious that this is not something in my 'do me' script or desires. When it was clear that I was more open and ready to accept his direction for his pleasure, the power shift was clear.

G ordered me to lay back down on the bed and as he went to his stash of toys, his excitement was glaring. He went back and forth: he tortured my tits and nipples, with rough squeezes and pulling, twisting and biting, then put on nipple clamps...only to take them off and whip my tits and nipples with the crop, then put the clamps back on...only to take them off again moments later to pinch them and squeeze them again.

He choose one of the largest dildos we have...I swear to test me (because I have an aversion to dildos in my pussy) and made me fuck myself with it. I let go and did it and then when he ordered me to suck it, I did. He choose a large butt plug and lubed my ass up and inserted it. Working it in deeper and deeper. Now, I love our normal 'smooshy' plug, but this one was hard and unyielding and no doubt, more pain than pleasure. Not done, testing me...he grabbed my panties he had pulled off and put them over my head, inserting the crotch area across my mouth as a gag...then finally satisfied, he plunged his cock in my pussy. His thrusts were almost brutal and honestly, a bit painful. After fucking me until I was almost ready to say stop, he pulled out and pushed the panties aside and told me, "open your mouth, whore," and shoved his cock into my mouth and deep down my throat. He fucked my mouth until he came, his big hot load squirting in my mouth and spilling out across my face.

It was clear that I didn't cum and it was clear that was more than OK with him...and I can't believe I am saying this...was actually good for me.

After, I debated internally whether to say anything or not. It was clear we were headed in that direction already...but I decided, what the hell...say what is on your mind, clear communication is always a good thing...funny how after 19 years of marriage, you can still be nervous to say some things. I told him everything I just wrote about, not more than a few hours ago...he was ecstatic. We set a safeword and talked a bit about what helps me focus (more verbal), but I also said, I want to and am working on not needing that, since that doesn't come easily to him. Also, I asked for more direction in regards to hair, make up and preparations.

In the end, we are both on cloud nine right now. I am so happy and excited...and could it be better timing? I am so looking forward to this weekend.

Thanks to all those who have provided information and their stories; it really has made a difference in us moving forward, or at least trying to.

More mental ramblings and babbling about submitting

Some of this is a repeat of things I have already said...but in excitement for what is to come tonight and trying to wrap my head around my what I need to do mentally to move forward I am putting it all down. In part, for therapy; in part, for recording what I hoping will be a turning point for us; in part, to perhaps another who struggles with the same issues. As with any blog, feel free to read what interests you and ignore my babbling, if it doesn't :)

I am 44 and have known pretty much since I was aware of my sexuality that I like to be dominated sexually. Even as young as 13, I would fantasize about being controlled. I would often spend hours squirreled away in a corner of B.Daltons reading the Story of O and any other BDSM books I could find, both fiction and non fiction.

My first real experimentation into the lifestyle was at 16 with my boyfriend. I do see in retrospect he was not a true dom, he was only trying to please me...in hopes that I would switch and dominate him . My first marriage was strictly vanilla. It amazes me that I never brought up any BDSM in the 2 years we were married, it just wasn't that kind of relationship.

When I met and started dating my husband (just celebrated our 19th wedding anniversary), it came up almost immediately. For both of us, 24/7 does not work...not just practically, but emotionally. In fact he gets over whelmed with too much pressure in 'everyday' life. So, I am actually the dominate one in household, financial, etc matters...but sexually we both are happier when he is in control.

For our relationship what I have struggled with is completely letting go and submitting to his needs, wants, desires as opposed to being a 'do-me sub,' meaning I want him to dominate me, but only in a certain way and on my time frame. Our cycle through our 19 years of marriage has been intense periods of BDSM, which are fantastic but usually followed by periods of vanilla sex (lots of it, as we both have very high libidos...but very vanilla). In the last few years we have been almost strictly vanilla, much to my husbands displeasure...but he has been in a hard place...since we were still having sex 4-5 times a week, he didn't want to complain or force the issue.

Looking back through my journals and blog entries I realize about 4-5 years ago, I finally started actually submitting more and while it's clear from my journal/blog entries, I loved that, I have just realized that it scares the hell out of me, too and that is why I probably started shutting down the lifestyle, rather than face that paradox of what I think I want (to be feel completely owned) and being afraid of it . I am not a pain slut. I enjoy the pain he gives me in as much as that makes me feel controlled and owned, what I have trouble with is the amount that is enough for me to get to that feeling (not very much) as opposed to the amount he needs/wants (more than I have been willing to accept in the past). The other obstacle for me is toys. He is way more into toys than I; pumps, spreaders, ropes, you name it, he loves it. Ironically, the verbal part: name calling, humiliation and assertions of 'ownership' and 'using me' is what can really push me to let go and help me accept the pain and toys...and that doesn't come naturally to him.

Thanks to in large part to a thread on fetlife and some other readings that resonated with me, I finally am actually ready to move forward and give him more control without trying to top from the bottom. After a few days of incredible hot submissive sex, I had a frank conversation with him. He lit up like a Christmas tree. I was able to talk to him about my fears and ask him to help me push through those fears and asked him to give me more verbal direction and humiliation while he was pushing and testing those limits, while promising to work on 'my need' for that.

I am so excited about tonight, it going to be hard to concentrate on anything else today. OK, OK...off to do some reading...I promise, no more posts for today.

Confessions of a 'do me' slut, unsettling rumblings in my brain

G and I have always had a very active and satisfying sex life. We tend to go in spurts: D/s and some s/m for a few months and then vanilla for a few months. I must admit our latest vanilla streak has been quite long time, mostly due to me.

We are, on the whole, a very good fit. He loves me to be sexually submissive, but expects an equal partner outside of the bedroom. In fact, he can actually get out of shape if too much 'everyday' pressure is on him. This works well for me, because I could never do 24/7 or TPE. No judgement on those who do, but for us not an option.

Our latest foray into the lifestyle, which just started a mere 4 days ago, has got my brain a bit in overdrive.

First, I had itch for some rough sex, when that happened Monday I was reminded as good and plentiful as out sex life is in vanilla mode, it is truly spectacular in D/s...which, of course, made me feel a bit guilty at out long stretch without. Make no doubt, as much as I want to justify the absence with we still were having sex 4-5 times a week (both of our libidos could not handle less)...I do know that the quality and satisfaction of that sex is not the same as when we engage in BDSM; during those times we average at least once a day, usually more.

I am, at heart, a research geek. When an idea gets in my brain I read, read, read. Usually a good thing, but there is almost too much info out there now. Last time I was actively blogging there were only a handful of blogs/bloggers I could relate too. In the last few days I found at least 30. In that weird cosmic way, I found a definition of a 'do me sub' and I recognized myself...within of few minutes of that, I read more than a couple of blogs/fetlife posts that had both subs and doms facing the same issues. Adding to that, was me feeling hot and bothered on Tuesday and disappointed with G for not being up to it. Really, the perfect storm and the light bulb of...'who really is suppose to be in control here?' Now all of this is rambling in my brain last night and when G pressed through my objections to anal sex last night was the final piece fell into place...submission is really what I want.

Now if he can keep pushing and I can keep giving up control, I don't know.

As adventurous as I would like to think I am, I know he craves more bondage and more pain than I have been willing to accept in the past. We have never had a safeword, as a stern no/stop from me (as opposed to a moaning, pleading no/stop) has 'worked' for us in the past. I am thinking if I want him to really push me and for me to reach beyond my comfort zone, maybe it is time to pick one.

Now, the time has come for me to end this rambling, as G just came in and gave me instructions to go upstairs in 10 minutes. He has told me he has lots of new things he wants to try. I am interested to see what he has in mind. Honestly, I would love to see if we can take it to the next level organically...or if that is too romanticized and we have to have a frank conversation.

Don't know if many people are reading these days...but would love to hear your thoughts, opinions and suggestions.

Now I am off to get fucked...full report tomorrow, I promise.

*please excuse any typos, no time to edit, as 'duty' calls...

ETA: I wanted to pass along this article. Reading it helped me reconcile my wanting to be more submissive in the bedroom, while still knowing that is the only place I am willing to submit. In the past I have struggled with labels and others' judgment of what being submissive means. I also wanted to give fetlife a shout out. I had never heard of it before. Reading the variation and acceptance and encouragement of embracing submission as it works for you, while striving to let go and fully submit within those parameters has helped me (I am hopeful) tremendously.