Thursday, November 17, 2011

Confessions of a 'do me' slut, unsettling rumblings in my brain

G and I have always had a very active and satisfying sex life. We tend to go in spurts: D/s and some s/m for a few months and then vanilla for a few months. I must admit our latest vanilla streak has been quite long time, mostly due to me.

We are, on the whole, a very good fit. He loves me to be sexually submissive, but expects an equal partner outside of the bedroom. In fact, he can actually get out of shape if too much 'everyday' pressure is on him. This works well for me, because I could never do 24/7 or TPE. No judgement on those who do, but for us not an option.

Our latest foray into the lifestyle, which just started a mere 4 days ago, has got my brain a bit in overdrive.

First, I had itch for some rough sex, when that happened Monday I was reminded as good and plentiful as out sex life is in vanilla mode, it is truly spectacular in D/s...which, of course, made me feel a bit guilty at out long stretch without. Make no doubt, as much as I want to justify the absence with we still were having sex 4-5 times a week (both of our libidos could not handle less)...I do know that the quality and satisfaction of that sex is not the same as when we engage in BDSM; during those times we average at least once a day, usually more.

I am, at heart, a research geek. When an idea gets in my brain I read, read, read. Usually a good thing, but there is almost too much info out there now. Last time I was actively blogging there were only a handful of blogs/bloggers I could relate too. In the last few days I found at least 30. In that weird cosmic way, I found a definition of a 'do me sub' and I recognized myself...within of few minutes of that, I read more than a couple of blogs/fetlife posts that had both subs and doms facing the same issues. Adding to that, was me feeling hot and bothered on Tuesday and disappointed with G for not being up to it. Really, the perfect storm and the light bulb of...'who really is suppose to be in control here?' Now all of this is rambling in my brain last night and when G pressed through my objections to anal sex last night was the final piece fell into place...submission is really what I want.

Now if he can keep pushing and I can keep giving up control, I don't know.

As adventurous as I would like to think I am, I know he craves more bondage and more pain than I have been willing to accept in the past. We have never had a safeword, as a stern no/stop from me (as opposed to a moaning, pleading no/stop) has 'worked' for us in the past. I am thinking if I want him to really push me and for me to reach beyond my comfort zone, maybe it is time to pick one.

Now, the time has come for me to end this rambling, as G just came in and gave me instructions to go upstairs in 10 minutes. He has told me he has lots of new things he wants to try. I am interested to see what he has in mind. Honestly, I would love to see if we can take it to the next level organically...or if that is too romanticized and we have to have a frank conversation.

Don't know if many people are reading these days...but would love to hear your thoughts, opinions and suggestions.

Now I am off to get fucked...full report tomorrow, I promise.

*please excuse any typos, no time to edit, as 'duty' calls...

ETA: I wanted to pass along this article. Reading it helped me reconcile my wanting to be more submissive in the bedroom, while still knowing that is the only place I am willing to submit. In the past I have struggled with labels and others' judgment of what being submissive means. I also wanted to give fetlife a shout out. I had never heard of it before. Reading the variation and acceptance and encouragement of embracing submission as it works for you, while striving to let go and fully submit within those parameters has helped me (I am hopeful) tremendously.

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